Today we are going to discuss becoming independent. We know that becoming independent is a part of growing up that can often cause stress and friction between families. As youth get older they often crave independence and it is oftentimes a struggle for caregivers to determine if the youth are ready for this independence. So what do you think about becoming independent? Would you consider this to be a risk factor or a protective factor for youth substance misuse?
If you guessed Protective Factor, then you are correct! I have had numerous conversations around this topic with both youth and caregivers. This topic is addressed in the parent workshop and the youth education we offer. I always start with the youth by having them identify how their role in their family has changed as they have gotten older. Most of the youth report that they do have more responsibilities in their family now than they did when they were young, but that not much else has changed. Most youth tell us that they do not feel like they have a say in the decisions their parents make for them. Parents on the other hand usually feel that by giving their child more responsibilities they are helping them become independent. This is absolutely true. Responsibility absolutely helps our children become more independent. However, I feel that what the youth are saying is that we are not giving them independence in the areas of their life they crave.
Most youth want to be able to feel like they are able to make decisions for their own life. I encourage parents to look at making decisions in the same way they would look at teaching their child to do their own laundry or to cook a meal. Making decisions is a skill. Just like with teaching our children how to do laundry we first teach them how then we give them an opportunity to practice. It is important to look at making decisions the same way. First, we must teach our children how to make decisions. We can begin doing this at a young age. It may start simple by making a decision about which snack they would like to have or which show they would like to watch. As they become older decisions become more complex. There may be more than one option and we can also teach our children that all decisions have consequences, some good and some bad. We can use these life examples to teach our children how to consider all options and consequences and make the decision that is best for them. Here is where the hard part comes in. After we have taught our children how to make decisions, we must let them PRACTICE making decisions. I’m a mama, I know sometimes this is hard because I see the situation and I know that my child’s decision may hurt them in some way and my instincts tell me to step in and save them from that hurt by making the right decision for them. However, if I am always the one making decisions for my child, they will never truly learn how to do this for themselves.
Now, onto the point. Becoming Independent is actually considered a Protective Factor. Youth who are allowed to become independent and feel that they can make decisions for themselves are LESS likely to misuse substances. Often times when youth are using substances they may be doing so to try to make themselves seem or feel or look more grown up. If we allow our children to feel grown up in other ways such as making decisions for themselves, then it is highly possible they won’t need to turn to substance use to get that same feeling. Not sure where to start? Allow your child to become a part of making decisions that affect their lives. Let them help choose where the family is going on vacation, what the family is going to eat for dinner, what extra-curricular activities they want to be involved in, or even when they are ready to get a part time job and how they spend their money.
In summary, just remember that our children need our guidance to learn how to make decisions that will allow them to live a healthy and happy life. In allowing our children to practice making decisions we are fulfilling their desire to become more independent in a healthy way and are also decreasing the likelihood they will misuse substances.